FullSizeRender (58)I remember the first time I became a mom. It was not the day I had hoped for and dreamed of my entire life. In fact it was my hardest day since my own birth. I knew before she even came into this world that she would not be breathing, yet I had to still go through with the delivery. The hospital staff were compassionate for me. They placed a single white rose on the door to symbolize the loss. The other doors on the hall were filled with wreaths with pink and blue bears. The Anesthesiologist on-call had been pulling a double shift. When it was time for him to come to my room the nurses had just woken him up from a two hour nap, and he walked through our door having missed seeing the single rose. As he prepared to give me the epidural he looked at my husband and asked, “What are you getting to take home with you…a little boy or a little girl?” The question took my breath away and tears began to fall. My husband graciously answered him, “Unfortunately, we’re not getting to take this one home.” The procedure was in the midst and the doctor had to carry on with his work but his voice grew soft and his touch was gentle. When he was finished he looked me in my eyes and asked if I was crying because of the pain of the needle. It hurt yes, but the pain of losing our little girl was so much more.

FullSizeRender (61)I remember our nurse. She was an angel sent from above to minister to us. She recommended that we hold her and spend as much time with her as we wanted in order for us to be able to find closure. It was too hard on the rest of our family, but Ryan and I said yes to the opportunity. We held her together and we cried together. We talked about her features and whose eyes and nose she had. We even dreamed of what she would have grown up to be. We finally had the courage to push the button and asked for the nurse to come and take her. It was the true moment of surrender. Even though she was born without breath she was still my baby and the one that first made me a mommy. As I gently placed her in the nurse’s arms it was as if I was giving her directly back into our Father’s arms. That moment in time I will never forget. I will cherish it always. Just this week, I stumbled on the verse that was read at our Taylor’s funeral: “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.” Job 1:21.

The Lord went on to GIVE us three uniquely healthy and beautiful girls. I will never forget holding Catherine for the first time and feeling the warmth of her body against my chest. Time could have stood still for me as I heard her heartbeat against mine. Ryan counted all of her fingers and toes and looked at me with tears as he said she is perfect, as were all three of them. We KNEW that we had been given beautiful GIFTS! We will never take them for granted. The loss of our Taylor changed me. She helped shape the mom I am today, and I will forever be grateful for her, and to our Father for giving her to me. I gave up my career to be a mom. I will never regret that choice. I love every ounce of nurturing and loving my children. I desire nothing but for God’s very BEST for each one of them. I will never grow tired of teaching them about our Father and sharing His word with them. I love these words:

“Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them fade from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them.” Deuteronomy 4:9

“Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” Proverbs 22:6

To all of you mom’s out there love your children well. Don’t ever grow tired of teaching them about our Heavenly Father and HIS GREAT LOVE. They are precious gifts from him. May you never take them for granted and may they always be JOY for you as long as you live.

To my children, Catherine, Lexi and Ashley may you ALWAYS know that your mommy LOVES and ADORES you! Thank you for bringing me so much JOY. I love being YOUR mom! XOXOXO